The Not So Real World-episode1&2
by BlaZiN
Summary: The antics of six different FFIX characters, see how they deal with their problems and their room-mates problems.


The Not So Real World  
  
(alright, everypeepz has their thang about disclaimer and stuff so if ya came to read and flame, please do[even though i am a VERY sensitive guy]. I do not know y authors don't like flames, it is all a process of becoming a better writer and shit[hehe, sorry Mrs. B had to punk dat line] and I don''t own anything like Final Fantasy or Squaresoft and The Real World, duh! :p. Oh yea, whateva R&R means, please do. enjoy or not.)  
  
Brahne wobbled her oversized arse towards her chair. The chair, not being able to support the weight of her "full figured" body collapse and left former queen Brahne on the floor.  
"Humph." Brahne squeled furiously. "They don't make chairs like they use to."  
"Shut up." Black Waltz 2 ordered which was followed by throwing a cup at the vexed Brahne.   
"Why don't you?" Brahne said under her breathe to herself.  
"I think she said something 2." Black Waltz 3 said.  
"Turn on the damn portal vision." Waltz 1 said.  
"Why don't you?" Thorn said.  
"Yes, turn on why not." Zorn said.  
"Want to take it outside?" Waltz 1 asked.   
"Lets go!" Zorn said jumping up and went face-to-face with Waltz 1.  
"Yes, go we will." Thorn said.  
Finally someone turned on the portal vision and a blue sphere radiates a white light, which filled the room. The sphere resolute and the image on it became recognizable.   
  
*Portal Vision*  
  
"Welcome to portal vision." A Burnecian announcer said. "Next we have the antics of six people who are stuck in a house together in a show we like to call. "The Not So Real World." Please enjoy."  
  
***  
  
"Yes, this is my favourite!" Brahne said giggling and straighten her posture as she sat.  
"Down in front." Black Waltz 2 said. "This popcorn taste like shit."  
"That's because it is man." Waltz 3 said laughing hysterically.  
"Oh." Waltz 2 said and then started eating it again.  
  
***  
  
Narrator-"Last time on "The Not So Real World." Trouble rises between Dagger and Eiko fighting over the courtship of a distressed Zidane.  
  
Interrupt comment: Dagger-"She doesn't know how to cook. For some reason for the last months her soup is just not worthy of worms. The others seem to like it for some strange reason though."  
  
Eiko- "For the last couple of months I have been putting dead frog guts that Quina regurgitated and oglops into her portion of the soup. Humph! Teach her to mess with my man.  
  
Narrator-"Will waters boil in this episode? Stay tune, only on Portal Vision."  
  
---  
  
House   
  
Zidane walks into the kitchen and opens the icebox. He searched it for the sandwich he had store for when his appetite would fervour.  
"What the hell." Frantically, he shoved pie ces of ice out of the way revealing a bunch of discarded glass bottles. "STEINER!!!"  
Zidane ran towards the room where Steiner lived. Steiner shocked turned off Portal Vision and covered his crotch with a pillow.  
Zidane covered his eyes in disgust. He did not want to get in Steiner's "business" and immediately interrogated him. "What happen to my sandwich I left in the ice-box?"  
"Ice-Box? Sandwich?" Steiner asked.  
"You know damn well rust bucket! Where is it?!" Zidane yelled which caused attention to the other roommates.   
"What's going on here?" Dagger asked.   
"This rusty pig took my sandwich!" Zidane answer.   
"Do you have any proof?" Dagger asked.  
"He was the only one that knew about it besides me!" Zidane grabbed his tail and strangled it anger.  
"Is this true?" Dagger asked a sweating Steiner.  
"Your magesty-" Steiner said.  
"Liar!" Quina yelled. "You ate it! Admit it!" Quina then look nervous as the other members gave her weird stares after her outburst. S/he immediately ran out of the room.  
"Oh Steiner." Dagger said. "How could you?"  
"But-" Steiner tried to squeeze in an excuse as the others left in disappointment.  
  
Interrupt Comment:   
  
Dagger- "This is just Steiner's nature, I can not change it. Like the time he keep stealing the apple pies I made for the group. I did not mind at first but stealing Zidane's sandwich red-handed! He's gone too far this time."  
  
Steiner-"I did not do it. *sigh* Zidane had told me to watch over it while he goes out one night. I said I would guard it with my life." Start breaking in to tears. "Oh why! I would never eat it!" Steiner grasp and shook a pissed off interviewers. "Please believe me! No one else would." He said to an insincere nodding interviewer.  
  
Quina-"I did not like lying to group about the sandwich. I did not want them knowing. This is hard to say. *sniff* Me have slight eating disorder. Are you going to eat those munchies?"  
Interviewers-"No." He handed a doughnut to the ravenous Quina.  
Quina mouth full of pastry-"Me not perfect. *sniff* No one perfect!!"  
  
Dining Room  
  
"How's the food Zidane?" Eiko asked to Zidane who stared at his plate coldly. "So, don't you think it's perfect? Just like me."  
Zidane stood up with haste and pointed at a surprised and mouthful Steiner. "Why don't you ask Rusty? How was my sandwich Rusty? Huh?"  
"But-" Steiner said as he was interrupted by Quina.  
"I saw him!" Quina stated. "He ate like pig."  
"Enough!" Dagger commanded.  
"Dagger is an angry women. You don't like angry women don't you Zidane." Eiko asked and smiled at Dagger.  
"Well-" Zidane said.  
"I don't care if he does or not!" Dagger stated.   
"But, I-" Zidane said as he began to burn up. "Vivi, shut up, I am trying to say something."  
"...." Vivi looked down on the ground.  
"I can not stand this." Dagger yelled. "I am going to my room! You people make me sick!" Dagger rushed out of the Dining room.  
"I call dibs on her drumstick!" Quina yelled.  
"Potatoes!" Zidane blurted out as fast as he could.  
"Dessert!" Eiko followed up.  
"God Damn it!" Steiner said.  
  
Interrupt Comment:  
  
Dagger-"They are my friends and family. Sometimes they just know how to push my buttons though! They constantly eat the food I cook with no thanks or sympathy for the hours I slave in the kitchen and they make the house a constant mess, which I break my back to clean up. You know what I mean? I won't even get started on Vivi's unstopping chatter."  
  
Vivi-"..."  
  
Night at the theatre  
  
"Excuse me." Vivi said to tick aristocrats as he struggle to get to his seat. He sat down next to Eiko. "What's on?"  
"What's on?" Eiko asked Dagger who sat beside her.  
"Scary movie." Dagger answered.  
"I don't like scary movies though." Eiko said.  
"Well, I don't care." Dagger said.  
"Maybe, Zidane would, hmm?" Eiko asked which made Dagger clench her fist.  
"Shh." Quina said with handful of popcorn. "It starting."  
  
Mid-way  
  
"Oh this is when he kills her." Eiko said. "Told you. Now he is going to go into that room and kill her too. Told you, now-"  
"Hey, Steiner. Guess what?" Vivi asked.  
"What?" Steiner asked.  
"WASSSSSSSUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP?" Vivi said as his tongue hanged down.  
Steiner in laughter mimics. "WASSSSUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP?????"  
Followed by Zidane. "WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUP?"  
Quina tongue extended to her/his chest as s/he shouted "WAAASSUUUPP?"  
"SSSSUUUUUUPPPPP?" Vivi said.  
Eiko and Dagger covered their head in shame as many aristocrats looked in disgust at the group.  
  
Interrupt Comment:  
  
Eiko-"Sometimes they could be a little embarrassing but this is a terrible joke. That night they totally made fools of theirselves to all the people in there. I do not think I will ever have the courage to go out with them publicly again. Right? Is it just I?"  
Interviewers-"Yes, they are complete fools."  
  
Zidane-"Hey man."  
Hey-"Hey!"  
Zidane-"So.."  
Interviewer-"So WASSSSSUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP?"  
Zidane-"WASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP???"  
Interviewer-"SSUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPP?  
  
Announcer: "That concludes this evening presentation of "The Not So Real World." Please stay tune for the next episode in ten minutes to see the drama between Garnet Til Alexandros XVII, Eiko Carol, Quina Quen, Aldebert Steiner, Vivi Orunia and *take a deep breath* last and very least: Zidane Tribal."  
  
"It's over? What a rip-off!" Black Waltz 1 commented.  
"I need to take a wiz anyways." Black Waltz 3 said.  
"I'll come with you." Waltz 2 said as they both stood up and held hands as they left towards the washroom.  
  
Episode 2  
  
Boys Night Out  
  
"Hey baby." Zidane slaps a girls butt and winked at her. "How YOUUU doing?"  
"Oh please." The girl walks away.  
"Next time, choose girls that do not have a date." Vivi suggested as he starting sipping on his lager.  
"Oh sure, like you are a Don Ho yourself there Vivi." Zidane said.  
"Hey." Steiner said obviously drunk. "WASSSSSUUUUPPPP?"  
"Oh, shut up." Quina said. "That was sooooo last episode."  
"Psh." Steiner whispered to Zidane. "Check out the hoochie at two *burp* o' clock. Nice buns."  
"Umm.." Zidane looked curiously at the target. "That's a guy."  
"Oh." Steiner said. "You think he would be calm if I asked him to wear a wig and a bra."  
"What?" Vivi asked in revulsion.  
"Oh nothing." Steiner said as he took his seat and places a bunch of gils on the table. "I am calling it a night guys."  
"Yeah, see you." Vivi said as Steiner clumsily left the bar. "Weirdo."  
  
Interrupt Comment.  
  
Vivi-"Lately Steiner has been drinking a lot. A LOT! First I thought he was my hero for chugging down ten tall ones but he has been doing almost everynight. As his roommate, I feel the need for him to change. He has been bringing girls over late night and the girlish orgasm sounds, not the girl's but his, keeps me up all night and so I can not accomplish every day activities like spying on the neigh... Woops, I said too much."   
Vivi stands up and incinerates the interviewer and cameraman.  
  
Zidane-"Yeah, I filed a complaint behind Steiner's back. I do not care what he does in his spare time but ours, Vivi, mine and Steiner's, room has been a mess with empty beer bottles, Ziploc bags filled with a white dust-like substance, discarded condoms and other incriminating stuff. I don't think I can stomach the smells of his vomit in the morning anymore.  
  
Girls Night In  
  
There was an eerie dead silence between Eiko and Dagger. Dagger was reading her favourite book and Eiko was watching Portal Vision.  
"Umm, can I ask you something personal?" Eiko asked.  
"Anything for you." Dagger smiled and layed her book down with ears open.  
"What do you feel about breast implants?" Eiko asked a shocked Dagger.  
"Oh no..." Dagger grasp. "You are too young to be thinking about those."  
"Yeah." Eiko sighed. "But I want them."  
"You are only six. Seven?" Dagger said. "Besides, it's not what counts on the outside-"  
"Oh, don't give me that chokobo poop." Eiko said. "You're just saying that because Zidane likes girls with big-"  
"Hearts." Dagger finished. "Eiko, please. You are only a girl."  
"Sure, you are happy because you have a fair amount of-" Eiko try to say.  
"Compassion." She finished off again. "I am not discussing this."  
"Maybe I should talk to Zidane about this." Eiko said frowning. "He will support me."  
That bastard will too. Dagger thought.  
  
  
Interrupt Comment:  
  
Dagger-"Do not get me wrong. I did not say that because I wanted her to feel bad about herself. Ever since I known Zidane he has always been trying to grab my goodies and back it up with an excuse like "I want to keep you warm" and other pathetic attempts. I just do not want her to go through that.  
  
Eiko-"How come Dagger goodies always get grabbed by Zidane. She is just saying that because she doesn't want me to experience that. Humph!"  
  
Main Street of Alexandria  
  
Steiner breaks a sweat as he put on a moggle mask. Maybe it was the beer or or the fact he hadn't had it since Beatrix dumped him for a man she called "sugar daddy" and "fresh meat" to lead him to what he did tonight.  
A mysterious "women" walked up to Steiner who looked awfully nervous. "Hey baby. What you doing tonight."  
The mask he had on covered most of his eyes leaving him nearly blind. "How much." He asked.  
"Depends." She said as giggled. "On what you want to do."  
"I want to caress your-" Steiner said, as he was interrupt.  
"Oh, your fresh." She said in a kinky tone. "Save the dirty talk for the bedroom you animal." She growled. "But now, escort a lady to a restaurant where we can have some munchies." She licked her mouth with her tongue all over.  
"Quina?" Steiner said shocked.   
"Steiner?" Quina gulped as she unveiled the mask.  
"AAHHHH." They both screamed out and ran away.  
  
Interrupt Comment:  
  
Steiner-"Holy *beep*, that is some *beep* up motha*beeper*' *beep*. I can't believe it was that *beeping*' *beep*. What was it doing there?" Hides his head in shame. "**BBEEPP**!!!"  
  
"Family" Meeting  
  
"I can't believe it." Eiko said.  
"Me either. Quina doesn't seem the type." Vivi sighed. "Right under our very noses."  
"Well, s/he does pay her portion of the rent very prompt." Dagger said. "And she usually buys us all presents." Dagger tried to lighten up the disappointed group.  
"Why do they have to be vibrators though?" Zidane asked. "Well, that is not the point. What is is that s/he is in pain and we must help her/him."  
"You guys, I am fine and proud of what I do." Quina stated as s/he walked into the room.   
"But-" Vivi said.  
"I make rent for family. Is that not enough?" Quina said. "I like what I do."  
"What about weirdoes and STDs?" Dagger asked.  
"STDs is myth pass down to scare children." Quina stated. "Weirdo, I strong. Me eat weirdoes."  
"I am not going to respond to that last comment." Dagger said. "But, whatever you do Quina we all love you very-" Try to say as the others started walking away. "Hey! Don't be rude."  
  
Interrupt Comment:  
  
Zidane-"Dagger is always trying to help everyone. Sometimes CERTAIN members of the group try to exploit her that way."  
Interviewer-"*cough* you *cough*"  
Zidane-"Gary, you should really get that throat checked. Anyways, but sometimes Dagger can be too much of a help. Her mouth is her only disability. I try to pay attention to other stuff so I usually ignore her comments and just stare down."  
  
Vivi-"My first impression of Quina is a wholesome individual. I was shocked when Steiner told us that he had stumbled onto her/him as s/he was, in his words, "whoring." It should be none of my business but as a friend I feel concern for her. I hope her pimp treats her right. After Jay-Z's song I can not bare what Quina has to live through."  
  
Dining Room-  
  
"Why people look at me weird." Quina asked as Dagger and Vivi turned their heads away.   
"Can you pass me the ketchup whore-I mean slut! Wait, no Quina." Steiner said as the others look at him.  
"Steiner!" Eiko yelled. "How could you?"  
"Sorry it just slipped out. I did not mean to make fun of her/him. I just wanted head-I mean whip cream. No, ketchup!" Steiner said.  
Quina quietly handed Steiner the ketchup.   
"So what did everybody do today?" Vivi asked.  
"I went to the store." Dagger said with excitement. "I bought us a new lamp."  
"Oh..." Vivi said. "Interesting."  
"Is anybody going out tonight?" Zidane asked.  
"Zidane!" Eiko said. "You guys knock it off. Just because Quina is doing something awful doesn't mean you can make fun of her."  
"That's OK Eiko." Quina said. "Me not perfect! So I have eating disorder, am a prostitute and big boned. Look at you. Steiner and Zidane horny like toads. Vivi is weirdo. Dagger talk too much and Eiko flat."  
Everyone in the room started crying and ran to their room. "Why you have to be so mean?" Eiko said whimpering as she ran to her room.  
"What did Quina said?" Quina asked.  
  
Interrupt Comment:  
  
Dagger-"*tears and sniffles* Do you think I talk to much? *sniff* Do I really? She did not have to say it so harsh. I think the others feel this way too. I do not know, does Zidane think I talk too much too? If he does I'll ring his neck. They all hate me now. Why can't I stop talking? What is wrong with me I just can't-"  
  
-Ten Minutes Later-  
  
Dagger-"I mean, I have feelings too. I hope the others just understand my problem."  
  
Announcer-"Will Dagger overcome her problem. Will the group accept Quina's job? Will Vivi ever have beef? Will Steiner ever get any? Find out and tune in next time to "The Not So Real World."  
  
***  
  
"Sounds like batman." Waltz 1 said.  
"Absolutely compelling!" Thorn said wiping a tear off his face.  
"Yes, absolutely." Zorn said.  
"When's the next crappy episode of "The Not So Real World"?" Waltz 2 asked.  
"It says here that whenever the *beep* the writer feels like it." Waltz 1 answered.  
`"Who the hell is this writer guy?" Waltz 3 asked.  
"Whoever he is, we better suck his *beep* if we want another episode." Waltz 2 answered as everyone in the room got on their knees and open their mouths WIDE.  
  
Fin  
  
LOL-Jokez about da last part. Peace out.   
  
"He who believes he knows the ending of things before they begin is either a very wise person or an idiot. Regardless, he is unhappy for he hast drove a knife into the heart of wonder. -Osten Ard  
  
  



End file.
